Christmas Is Going to Be Great!

It's hard to believe I haven't written here since last Easter.

Truth is, I tried to write a book instead. Crazy, I know. And so I've neglected this electronic medium for a while. But here I am, inspired to put pen to paper... ???

It's Christmas time again. And once again I am concerned that I will be disappointing my children. One of Catharine's classmates just received her dream car. And Anna's best friend has talked about going to the city to go shopping no fewer than three times. So this Christmas will be much like the last one...just a few presents under the tree. And yet, there will be a big difference. You see, Christmas falls on a Sunday this year. And so we will be spending Christmas with the Hybels family at Willow Creek. It was Anna who said it first. The fourteen year-old. She wanted to go to church on Christmas morning. I asked her about presents. She said we would take care of that when we got back.

It was so matter-of-fact that I thought maybe she would change her mind. Or maybe someone else in the family would baulk at the idea and she would jump at the chance to join them. Shame on me. She truly wants to go to church on Christmas day!

And so this will be a Christmas like no other. We'll get up in time to leave by nine...and with a few minutes before that to have our traditional monkey bread. We're debating whether we'll get dressed up or go in fun pajamas. But we will be there. Singing songs to Jesus. Celebrating his birth...the majesty coming to the mundane. It will be awesome...and all the while we will be thinking about the little baby...who grew up into a man...who lived a perfectly unblemished and sin free life...and died on a cross for me...and then rose from His grave to show the world the power of God and His amazing ability to raise all of us from the dead!

I can't wait to celebrate Christmas this year. I can't wait to think about the little baby and all that His birth means for my life. And even though it's no fun, I can't wait to think about what would come later in His life because of me. And be reminded once again that God loves me so much that He made a sacrifice I don't think I could make, and pray He never asks me to.

So Christmas is going to be great this year! And it won't have anything to do with the presents under the tree. Or the parties we go to (or don't go to since we weren't invited to any this year). Or the fancy meal we make that day. It's going to be all about Jesus...and that's great!

we stand...day four

We've made it to day four!!! Thank you God for giving us perseverance, stamina, and will power! You are an awesome God.

The girls are really struggling. They are actually choosing to go hungry rather than eat the rice and beans again. Last night they were babysitting and just couldn't get it down. I feel so bad for them. And yet they are still determined. For them, today is the last day. Tomorrow is Catharine's birthday and we will be celebrating with the traditional cinnamon bun. Of course, Anna will not be left out. It just doesn't seem right. They have done a great job and I hope will take some of these lessons with them. We have talked about it a lot and I look forward to the conversation at tonight's dinner table.

I'm actually feeling pretty good. I'm really hungry, but other than that I feel like I have a little more energy and I know I'm much more aware of how dependent I am on food. I still find myself trying to imagine what it would really be like to do this...and not know it was going to end. We are so incredibly blessed by all of the bounty around us.

So I asked the girls earlier in the week why God chose to put them in a family that had so much. Why didn't He put them in a family that was homeless? Or that wasn't able to eat three varied, delicious meals a day. Neither of them had more than an "I don't know" as an answer, but I hope they will think about that. I pray they will wonder at the blessing they have received just by being born in middle class white America. I pray that when they feel it just isn't fair that they don't get what other kids get or to go on vacations that other kids do that they will remember how much they did get.

And I pray that I will too. It's so easy to try to teach lessons to your kids or others and not to learn them yourself. So I pray that when I start feeling sorry for myself that I will remember all that I do have. All the many ways God has blessed me. And I will give Him thanks instead of asking him why.

Thank you, Jesus.

we stand...day three

Today has been much better for me. It didn't start out that way. I was pretty discouraged when I woke up. Had a headache to start the morning. Never a good beginning. But it has definitely improved...thank you God.

And I realized that what has made it so good is that I was able to enjoy lunch with a group of women who love Jesus and we talked about all sorts of things that had nothing to do with beans and rice. I didn't even think about it. I was so distracted talking about God and His Word that I didn't even think about the mush in my bowl.

The girls were good about their breakfast and didn't even grumble about the beans and rice for lunch. I think our evenings have been really great. Dinner is a time of bonding...even if it is over the subject of complaining about what we're eating. Nothing like a little suffering to bring people together. We've played games after dinner and then enjoyed a movie or favorite TV show afterwards. Just a time of being together.

Monday night ended with the girls in a fight at the gym. And God is so amazing. My Bible study this week is on Isaiah 58 and the heading for that chapter is True Fasting. I love God's sense of timing (at least this time I do). Here are God's words in Isaiah:

Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists.

You cannot fast as you do today and expect your voice to be heard on high.

Clearly God had seen my children going at each other after their first day of fasting. Admittedly, this isn't much different from any other day, but I was hoping that the whole focus on fasting and God's people would help keep their minds more focused on God and less on sparring with each other...something to pray about.

So thank you God for your provision...of these meals, as unappetizing as they are, and of Your words. Which remind us of the purpose of the fast. To focus on You. Your work. Your people. And not on ourselves.

Help us to live that out...not just these five days, but always.

we stand...day two

The sun is shining today...thank you God.

Yesterday was rough. After not eating breakfast, Catharine headed off to school where she took two tests. Of course, we didn't know that. I was sound asleep. Eric is in charge of Catharine in the morning. If we had known we would have made her eat something else. Instead, she went to school and took two tests without any breakfast. She did eat most of her beans and rice for lunch, but passed on the apple we included because she is still a developing young woman. She said she wasn't hungry. She finished her rice and beans when she got home from school. This is always the hardest time of day for the girls and me. We like our 3 o'clock snacks.

I guess another girl at school is doing the "challenge" as well. She had a glass of milk for breakfast yesterday. Catharine called her a cheater. Am I raising a Pharisee? We may have to rethink our approach. When I questioned her not eating breakfast on a day when she had two tests by saying, "that wasn't very smart," she replied, "But it was being a good Christian." Hmmm.

Anna ate most of her rice and beans, but declared that it didn't taste good after a while. Can't argue with her there. Her BFF had planned to do the challenge with her but couldn't because of some health issues she faces. So Anna's on her own at school. That's tougher for her because she definitely likes to do things in a pack. She is not a loner. Ask her if she wants to do something and she has to consult two to four friends to make sure they aren't doing something else without her. I'm praying that she holds up and remembers what God is trying to teach us.

Catharine opted to skip the oatmeal for breakfast this morning and had half of an apple and some peanut butter instead. The goal is to be hungry and to make sacrifices. She limited her serving size and didn't have the yummy waffles she usually enjoys, so I'm fine with the switch. Anna had the other half of the apple with a little PB and also a flavored oatmeal. She's still a growing girl, so again, I'm fine with a little tweaking for her.

Anna wasn't too happy to see the big container of rice and beans ready for her lunch. We took some time to pray before she left. And despite the fact that she rarely wants to hug, cuddle, kiss, or hold my hand anymore, she let me hold her as we prayed and even stayed there for a bit after we finished. Apparently being hungry and deprived causes one to want their Mommy...just a side benefit I'm going to particularly enjoy these five days.

So what did we pray for? We prayed for God to teach us through this effort. We prayed that it would help us understand how much we have and how little others have. We prayed that rumbling tummies wouldn't be distracting. And we prayed for God to supernaturally make that rice and beans taste extra yummy! He is God...He can do it!

Eric is gleeful. He is just loving the sacrifice. He loves doing hard things. And I think he secretly loves that the rest of us are miserable as he is soaring. Not that he wants us to be miserable, but he just loves exercising self-control. The rest of us just find him annoying. But we love him anyway. His ease in accepting this challenge made it a no-brainer for us to do it. And so he is leading us in growing closer to God and His command for us to take care of the poor. We are thankful for Eric's leadership...even if he does get on our nerves.

So at dinner last night, we decided that hot sauce would be readily available in Central and South America, so we added that to our rice and beans. You would have thought we were eating a perfectly cooked steak. What a difference a little more flavor made to our dinner. Even the girls thought so. We talked a lot about how difficult this is. But never once did we question whether we were going to do it all five days. The girls didn't talk about giving up. They didn't try to get out of it. We pushed them to be smart and to realize that they don't need to be as rigid as Eric and me. They just need to do what they're comfortable with. I'm so proud of them.

And now I must confess. I added some Splenda brown sugar to my oatmeal this morning. It was delicious. I figured since I wasn't adding calories it wasn't truly cheating. And the taste made my mood so much brighter this morning. Trust me, I'm still sacrificing. I'm still feeling the hunger. My head is still aching from the lack of my ubiquitous green tea. And I guess I'm also feeling a little guilt.

God, I have so much to learn. Thanks for this opportunity to seek You and better understand the reason behind Your command to take care of the poor. May our family be changed by this experience.

we stand...

Our family is doing something special this week. And it's going to be hard. Really hard.

Our church is teaching us to live out Jesus' command to take care of the poor in our world. As part of that, they have challenged us to live as the poor and hungry in our world live for just five days.

So this morning we all had a small bowl of unflavored oatmeal for breakfast. Eric and the girls took plastic containers of rice and beans with them for their lunches. No seasoning. No brown sugar or milk on the oatmeal. No cilantro or hot sauce to spice up the rice and beans. And nothing but water to drink. The dull ache in my head is telling me that's going to be the hardest part for me. That green tea I like to drink must have just enough caffeine to keep those aches at bay.

So I thought it would be good to share our progress. Our thoughts. What is hardest. And what we learn. Do we turn to God when we're tempted to add some sweetener to our oatmeal? Do we seek Him when we want to reach for that banana that looks so yummy on the counter? Do we think of His words, "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me" when we really want that glass of wine in the evening (oops, that's just me)?

So it's Monday morning. The oatmeal didn't go down very well for the girls. Catharine just chose to skip breakfast. Wonder if she'll make that choice tomorrow when she wakes up hungry. Anna ate most of hers. Eric, who doesn't like any kind of oatmeal, didn't mind it as much as he thought he would. And me? Well, I had breakfast with one of our college girls. I ordered plain oatmeal. Sent the toppings he brought back to the kitchen. I only ate half of it because restaurant portions are always way too big. And I really focused on the young woman I was sitting with instead of what I was eating. Though I admit to eyeing her pumpkin pancakes with a little envy.

By now Catharine has finished lunch. Wonder how it went. I wonder if anyone asked her why she was eating beans and rice for lunch. And what did she say? Did people ask Anna questions? Was she able to share with them her heart? Can't wait to hear how their days went.

For Eric it will be easy. I've never met another person with so much self control. More than a dozen years ago he decided to stop drinking alcohol. He just felt like he was struggling to limit his consumption. And maybe he wasn't really himself when he drank. Then about six years ago he realized he was drinking about six diet Cokes a day. So he gave that up too. Later it was gum. He chewed it constantly. So he gave that up too. Someone recently asked me what would happen if he became addicted to me...

For me it's a battle of self-control. Everyone who has ever seen me, let alone knows me, knows what a struggle this is for me. I've been overweight since late in my freshman year of high school. Not sure what triggered it. My Dad (okay, he was my stepdad, but always felt more like the real thing than my biological dad) was diagnosed with cancer that year. It's definitely in my genetics. I could write for hours about this struggle but it's not about me.

Instead, I'm going to focus not on my own lack of self-control, but rather on the suffering that so many experience because they just don't have food. And I'm going to drink lots of water, even though that is in short supply too. I'm going to ask God to make the pangs in my belly go away. I'm going to try to fill my time with things that fill my soul...and hope that the Spirit will help me through the rest. I'm going to try to set a good example for my children. I'm going to do this joyfully knowing that for me this fast ends on Friday...and for so many they have no idea if it will ever end.

really thinking about the cross...

crucify him...hail, king of the jews...crucify him...

I decided I was going to read through the Gospels. You see, I'm not great about reading God's Word. I like doing Bible studies and reading my devotional, but to just sit down and read the Bible...just not my thing. But I know it will help. I know that as I continue to seek His face, it will help me to know more about Him. And so I decided to read the Gospels. They tell lots of stories and I really like a good story. There's not as much war, fighting, and bloodshed in the Gospels as there is in the old Testament, so I like reading it more.

Well today, just a couple of weeks after celebrating Christ's birth I came upon the story of Christ's crucifixion. The story of His torment. His suffering. His pain. The crown of thorns jammed into the skin on his head, blood dripping into his eyes. The weight of the cross he carried as he bore the scars of the beating he had received all day long. The nails hammered into his hands. The humiliation of being spit upon...made fun of...I can hardly bear to think of it all.

But as I do, I can't help but be overwhelmed by my own shame. You see, I'm the reason Jesus died on the cross. My sin. My really bad choices. My decisions not to live a life of purity or restraint. My humanness. I'm the reason Jesus had to die on a cross.

I realize I'm not the only sinner in the world. But when I think of what Jesus did, I take it personally. I believe He really did die for me. And I am in awe. Someone died a horribly painful and humiliating death...for me? There's no way I'm worth that!

And that's just the point. I'm not worth that. Neither are you. And yet Jesus did it anyway. He died for all of us. He was the ultimate sacrifice. No more sacrificing goats or lambs or cows or other barnyard animals. Jesus paid it all.

Jesus paid it all
All to him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

And when before the throne
I stand in him complete
Jesus died my soul to save
My lips shall still repeat

Jesus paid it all
All to him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

Jesus. How can you love me that much? Do I love you in equal measure?

Making Christmas Special...

I remember playing solitaire all night long on every Christmas eve as a child. I just didn't want to/couldn't go to sleep. I wasn't one of those kids who wanted to sneak down the stairs and try to catch Santa. Or wanted to stay up until I heard his and the reindeer feet on the roof. I guess it was just the anticipation of the morning. You see, we weren't poor growing up. But we didn't have a lot of stuff. We didn't shop just for something to do. We didn't get lots of toys because we begged Mom as we stood in line at the grocery store. We just didn't.

But Christmas morning...that was special!

When Santa came to our house, he didn't wrap the presents. As a mom, I now realize the wisdom of this. But then, I just thought it was so cool to walk down the stairs and see, right away, what Santa had delivered to our house. It was almost always the biggest and favorite present of the day. That thing that you never thought you'd get because Mom and Dad couldn't afford it or wouldn't approve. And there was such joy!

And even at a young age, I realized that the joy didn't come from the thing itself. The joy came from knowing that someone, whether it be Santa or later Mom and Dad, had cared enough to think hard, to spend their time and their money on me. They thought about what I'd like. I'm sure they had asked me questions along the way that would help them figure out what Santa should bring. Or maybe they just listened as I talked with friends. Or watched me long for something someone else had. However they figured it out didn't really matter.

What mattered was me. And they showed me that by taking time and care to make Christmas morning special.

Now I have my own children. And I still feel the incredible desire to make Christmas morning special. Money used to be more plentiful. And so the gift giving was as well. The year Anna got ice skates, a real sparkly skater's costume with matching hairbows, and lessons. Or the year Catharine got a computer. The best was the year elves set up shop in our bedroom and posted a sign on the door to keep out while they were working. On Christmas morning, the girls came in and saw the bedroom furniture that meant they weren't little girls anymore.

But this year I'm stumped. We don't have very much money. More than many others, I realize. But not enough to buy a gift that makes the girls go "Wow!"

But more importantly, we just don't need much. Catharine has finally stopped growing, so she doesn't need an entire new wardrobe. They both have all of the athletic gear they need for the sports they're playing. And we have so much. And there are so many who have so little.

I still want Christmas morning to be special for my girls. I want them to feel like they matter. That they matter to Santa, and Mom and Dad. That we have thought about them. Listened to them. Watched them. And as a result, we knew just the thing to bring joy to their Christmas morning.

And yet I struggle...