still trying...

Yep...I'm still on Weight Watchers.  It's now been a little over seven months.  They say the average weight loss is 1-2 pounds per week.  And with a loss of 31.5 pounds, I'm just about on schedule.  And you know what's surprising...

I'm NOT completely discouraged!  Oh, it hasn't been easy.  And it hasn't really been a group effort as promised.  But I'm still in it.  I think that maybe this time I am actually making changes that will last.  Changes that will ensure a longer life.  A more energetic life.  A life where I get to play with my grandchildren some day.  A life where my husband will find me attractive.  A life where I won't be consumed with those negative thoughts about myself that have so often been my constant companion. 

Yes, my coworkers still enjoy Texas sheet cake in my presence.  And they nosh on yummy breakfast sweets many mornings.  But they have also given me such encouragement and affirmation.  They notice the pants I haven't worn before because I couldn't fit in them.  They applaud my will power when I pass on the treats someone brought us as a gift.  And so I keep going. 

It's like I've finally learned that it's okay to take care of myself.  After 48 years of looking out for others, I now know what it looks like to do some self care. 

I know. 

It's such a cliche...self care.  Does anyone really believe it's okay to take time to do something for yourself?  Aren't we taught daily in our jobs, weekly on Sunday mornings, and in all sorts of public service announcements that we need to take care of others.  So much of Scripture focuses on taking care of the widows...orphans...the least of these. 

So is it even Biblical to take care of ourselves? 

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.  1 Corinthians 6:19-20

So this seems to be one verse that we could use to justify self care.  I think others would say that it also has to do with how we use our bodies with members of the opposite sex.  What we allow to be done to us.  

For now.  We'll focus on taking care of our bodies because the Holy Spirit lives in them.  

And what good will we be for others...for the least of these...if we are unhealthy.  If we can't walk up stairs.  If we can't get down on the floor to play with little ones.  What good will I be to Anna and Catharine if I'm not around.  

And how can I possibly be of any assistance to anyone if I'm so tired from lugging around all this extra weight?  

God wants us to serve others.  There's no doubt about that.  But He also wants us to be in a position to do so.  And that means being at our best.  Well rested.  Well nourished.  Well read...Scripture that is.  Filled with the Holy Spirit. 

It's time for me to make sure the temple is clean...just like I clean my house for company.  Put out the clean towels and make sure there's toilet paper on the roll.  I need to make sure everything is order so the Holy Spirit can visit comfortably...and I can fully enjoy His visit. 

So what am I doing? 

Here's my housecleaning to do list:  

• Stay on Weight Watchers...keep counting points.  
• Worship...corporately on Sundays...and each morning before work.  
• Spend some time talking with Jesus all day long.  
• Continue my Scripture memory regimen along with Beth Moore and her team.  
• Exercise a few times a week...building on it each week.  
• Maintain boundaries between our ministry/work commitments and family time.  

We'll see how I do...good thing I'm not in it alone!  Thank you, Jesus!!!

Success in Week One, But...

So Week One of the Weight Watchers project, you know, the one I am doing with my husband, was a success.  I lost seven pounds.  I had several glasses of wine during the week.  And I didn't get too depressed.

But...now it's Week Two.  And I'm already completely depressed.  There is no longer a "we" in the project.  It's me.  Planning the meals.  Doing the shopping. Reporting the points to everyone.  Worrying about when we don't have enough fruit.  Or the right food for dinner. There is nothing project about it.  It's just another thing for me to take care of.

It's no better at work.  My colleagues eat lunch out every day.  I pack.  They're having hamburgers and fries.  I'm having hummus and cut up veggies.  I know.  It's healthier.  I'm eating food that is better for me.  I know all of that.  And yet every time I sit and eat and watch them eat something I'd rather be enjoying I'm reminded once again of the sorry state I'm in.  I'm reminded once again of the years of self-indulgence I've engaged in.  And the self-loathing kicks in.

Tomorrow is our staff retreat.  We always go out to lunch.  It's a big treat.  My boss wants to take us to her favorite Chinese restaurant.  She places the order.  For all of us.  In the past it was great.  The food is delicious.  The service personal and attentive.  I'm dreading tomorrow.  No honey walnut shrimp for me.  Even the string beans I love are off the list.  I'll have some soup.  None of the beef.  And I'll be reminded once again that I deserve to be punished for the bad choices I've made.  More consequences to my negative behavior.

It feels awful.  I don't like this anymore.  I don't like myself anymore.  I wonder if I ever did.

Will I Die Soon?

It's probably been about twenty years since someone told me I'd die before I turned 50.

We were at my husband's Christmas party.  It was a theme party and one of the attractions was a fortune teller.  We visited her little table...and she told me I wouldn't make it to the age of 50.  Needless to say, I was stunned.  I'm sure the only reason I didn't collapse right then was because I was under the age of 30 and probably had a few drinks in me.  I still felt invincible. 

But her words have haunted me.  And when I turned 48 this year and started saying I'm almost 50, the frequency and volume of her message have increased.

And what have I done about it?  Nothing.  I'm more stressed than I've ever been.  I've had 22 ocular migraines in the past two months.  I didn't follow up with the blood work my doctor ordered.  And I weigh more than I ever have.  Bottom line...I'm disgusting.

And disgusted.

With myself.

Self-loathing/hatred/disgust is a hard thing to live with.  It's there when you wake up in the morning.  When you lay your head down at night.  And for those of us consumed with self-loathing around our hideous bodies, we have constant reminders of the reason why we aren't worth much.  Whenever we eat.  When it's hard to walk up a flight of stairs.  When it's difficult to get out of a chair.  When we don't fit well in a stadium or airplane seat.  When we don't take the time to exercise.  When we put on a pair of pants or skirt that fit last year, but don't fit this year.  There are tangible reminders of my failure.  And the negative feelings grow.

And so does my waistline.

As a person who loves Jesus...and believe that He loves me, you'd think I'd be able to get over these negative feelings about myself.  That I'd value myself just the way Jesus does.  But there is still a part of me that believes even Jesus couldn't love someone as disgusting as me.  I have to constantly remind myself that's not true.  Jesus does love me.  And so do my children.  And so does my husband.

In fact, Eric loves me so much, he doesn't want me to stay in this place.  Just like Jesus, Eric loves me enough to want the best for me.  And so last week he asked me if we could join Weight Watchers together.  Of course, he doesn't need it.  He is more handsome and fit than the day I met him.  He has amazing self-control and doesn't need a "program" to help him.  But he knows I do.  He knows I need help.  He knows I can't do this on my own.

So Monday is the day.  I can't imagine doing it again.  I can't imagine the depression I will feel once again from the deprivation.  I know the negative feelings will continue for a long time.  But I'm praying that I can celebrate some successes.  That my pants will fit a little better.  That I'll have a little more energy and eventually...the self-loathing will abate.  The image in the mirror will not be so disgusting.

And maybe I'll live past 50.

New Beginnings...

The wonderful thing about endings is that they almost always lead to beginnings.  

And so here we are.  Catharine has graduated from high school.  And will begin college in the fall.  Anna graduates from 8th grade today and will begin high school in August.  

And Eric and I are ending a phase as well.  No longer will we have two children to check on each evening at bed time. We are beginning a phase of having an only child...or at least only one at home.  And so we begin something new.  

To be honest, I'm not that excited.  Me. The one who loves change.  Who loves doing new things.  Who loves different.  I'm just not that excited.  I know.  My daughter is leaving home to go 800+ miles away to college.  Nothing about that is exciting to a mother.  And my baby will start driver's education this summer and have a license by next.  Again, nothing exciting about that to a mother.  

And as I look to the future I see the reality of both of our girls living far away.  Pursuing the lives we have (hopefully and with tremendous leadership by our heavenly Father) prepared them for.  As we sat at Catharine's graduation, we marveled at what God had accomplished in her in spite of our feeble efforts.  She really is a great kid.  And God has planted seeds in her that I have no doubt will bear fruit far into His kingdom.  And Anna is so bright and goal-oriented.  There is so much of her Dad in her.  She will achieve much and will do it with determination and spunk.  So proud of both of them.  

So what does that leave?  A husband and wife who have been through it.  The tough early years when we weren't sure we wanted to be married to each other.  The difficult times as we struggled with extended family.  The years when we fought over money and raising children.  To the days when we realized how different we are.  And how beautiful those differences make our marriage.  

So here we are...different people who have learned to appreciate those differences.  Who understand that sometimes God puts people together for His divine purposes.  Eric's deliberativeness might have caused us to never do anything.  My impulsiveness would have had us in debt up to our eyebrows even when Eric was making money.  Eric's inclination to think about things to death.  Mine to follow my gut.  We balance each other.  We bring our unique life experiences and the perfect ways God designed us to this marriage.  And while it's not always perfect, I do believe that it will withstand these changes.  We will make it through these endings...and we will begin this new phase together. 

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.  

Ephesians 5:31

Christmas Is Going to Be Great!

It's hard to believe I haven't written here since last Easter.

Truth is, I tried to write a book instead. Crazy, I know. And so I've neglected this electronic medium for a while. But here I am, inspired to put pen to paper... ???

It's Christmas time again. And once again I am concerned that I will be disappointing my children. One of Catharine's classmates just received her dream car. And Anna's best friend has talked about going to the city to go shopping no fewer than three times. So this Christmas will be much like the last one...just a few presents under the tree. And yet, there will be a big difference. You see, Christmas falls on a Sunday this year. And so we will be spending Christmas with the Hybels family at Willow Creek. It was Anna who said it first. The fourteen year-old. She wanted to go to church on Christmas morning. I asked her about presents. She said we would take care of that when we got back.

It was so matter-of-fact that I thought maybe she would change her mind. Or maybe someone else in the family would baulk at the idea and she would jump at the chance to join them. Shame on me. She truly wants to go to church on Christmas day!

And so this will be a Christmas like no other. We'll get up in time to leave by nine...and with a few minutes before that to have our traditional monkey bread. We're debating whether we'll get dressed up or go in fun pajamas. But we will be there. Singing songs to Jesus. Celebrating his birth...the majesty coming to the mundane. It will be awesome...and all the while we will be thinking about the little baby...who grew up into a man...who lived a perfectly unblemished and sin free life...and died on a cross for me...and then rose from His grave to show the world the power of God and His amazing ability to raise all of us from the dead!

I can't wait to celebrate Christmas this year. I can't wait to think about the little baby and all that His birth means for my life. And even though it's no fun, I can't wait to think about what would come later in His life because of me. And be reminded once again that God loves me so much that He made a sacrifice I don't think I could make, and pray He never asks me to.

So Christmas is going to be great this year! And it won't have anything to do with the presents under the tree. Or the parties we go to (or don't go to since we weren't invited to any this year). Or the fancy meal we make that day. It's going to be all about Jesus...and that's great!

we stand...day four

We've made it to day four!!! Thank you God for giving us perseverance, stamina, and will power! You are an awesome God.

The girls are really struggling. They are actually choosing to go hungry rather than eat the rice and beans again. Last night they were babysitting and just couldn't get it down. I feel so bad for them. And yet they are still determined. For them, today is the last day. Tomorrow is Catharine's birthday and we will be celebrating with the traditional cinnamon bun. Of course, Anna will not be left out. It just doesn't seem right. They have done a great job and I hope will take some of these lessons with them. We have talked about it a lot and I look forward to the conversation at tonight's dinner table.

I'm actually feeling pretty good. I'm really hungry, but other than that I feel like I have a little more energy and I know I'm much more aware of how dependent I am on food. I still find myself trying to imagine what it would really be like to do this...and not know it was going to end. We are so incredibly blessed by all of the bounty around us.

So I asked the girls earlier in the week why God chose to put them in a family that had so much. Why didn't He put them in a family that was homeless? Or that wasn't able to eat three varied, delicious meals a day. Neither of them had more than an "I don't know" as an answer, but I hope they will think about that. I pray they will wonder at the blessing they have received just by being born in middle class white America. I pray that when they feel it just isn't fair that they don't get what other kids get or to go on vacations that other kids do that they will remember how much they did get.

And I pray that I will too. It's so easy to try to teach lessons to your kids or others and not to learn them yourself. So I pray that when I start feeling sorry for myself that I will remember all that I do have. All the many ways God has blessed me. And I will give Him thanks instead of asking him why.

Thank you, Jesus.

we stand...day three

Today has been much better for me. It didn't start out that way. I was pretty discouraged when I woke up. Had a headache to start the morning. Never a good beginning. But it has definitely improved...thank you God.

And I realized that what has made it so good is that I was able to enjoy lunch with a group of women who love Jesus and we talked about all sorts of things that had nothing to do with beans and rice. I didn't even think about it. I was so distracted talking about God and His Word that I didn't even think about the mush in my bowl.

The girls were good about their breakfast and didn't even grumble about the beans and rice for lunch. I think our evenings have been really great. Dinner is a time of bonding...even if it is over the subject of complaining about what we're eating. Nothing like a little suffering to bring people together. We've played games after dinner and then enjoyed a movie or favorite TV show afterwards. Just a time of being together.

Monday night ended with the girls in a fight at the gym. And God is so amazing. My Bible study this week is on Isaiah 58 and the heading for that chapter is True Fasting. I love God's sense of timing (at least this time I do). Here are God's words in Isaiah:

Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists.

You cannot fast as you do today and expect your voice to be heard on high.

Clearly God had seen my children going at each other after their first day of fasting. Admittedly, this isn't much different from any other day, but I was hoping that the whole focus on fasting and God's people would help keep their minds more focused on God and less on sparring with each other...something to pray about.

So thank you God for your provision...of these meals, as unappetizing as they are, and of Your words. Which remind us of the purpose of the fast. To focus on You. Your work. Your people. And not on ourselves.

Help us to live that out...not just these five days, but always.